How do I ask someone to dance?
How to ask someone to dance
The hardest moment of a social night, explained: when to walk over, what to say, how to ask when the music is too loud to talk, and what never to do.
You do not need a good line
Most people get stuck at the bar looking for something to say, and there is nothing to say. At a social it is taken for granted that everyone came to dance, so walking over, making eye contact and offering a hand is the whole question.
If you want words, two will do: your name and "shall we?". Nobody remembers any of it five minutes later. What does get noticed is hovering two metres away, because from the outside that looks like you would rather not.
Timing matters more than words
Ask at the start of a song, not halfway through. A track runs four or five minutes, and stepping in at minute three leaves your partner with half a dance and you with the feeling that it did not go well.
And ask someone who is available: standing near the floor, looking around, moving a little. Someone sitting with a drink, talking to a friend or fanning themselves is resting, and that has nothing to do with you.
If they have just finished dancing, give them a minute. Three songs in a row is genuinely tiring and nobody arrives at the fourth with any energy left.
How to ask when you cannot hear a thing
At a social the music is loud and nobody talks: you ask with your eyes. You catch someone's gaze from where you are standing, and if they hold it, the question is already asked. Then you walk over and offer a hand.
Do not shout into anyone's ear, and do not tap a shoulder from behind. The first does not come across the same way and the second startles people, especially in a crowded room.
And if the answer is no, there is nothing to sort out: you smile, say thanks and move on. This site has a whole guide about going dancing without knowing anyone, and the calm version of the no is in there.
What not to do
Do not pull anyone onto the floor, and do not put a hand on their back to steer them there. Offer a hand and wait.
Do not ask the same person twice in a row after a no. And if they said yes, one or two songs is right; three in a row is taking over somebody else's night.
Do not ask only the people who dance brilliantly, either. At a social everyone rotates, and the person who looks out of your league today started two years ago knowing nothing.
If someone asks you
You can say no and you owe nobody an explanation. "Not right now, thanks" is a complete answer, and anyone who has been doing this a while takes it perfectly well.
If the reason is that you are tired and would like that dance later, say so: "I am resting, maybe in a bit?" completely changes how the no reads.
And if you are the one starting out, keep this in mind: half the room is waiting for someone to walk over instead of walking over. That is all the advantage you need.